Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Nobody's real but they're willing to let you go.

It irritates me to no end when people start tiptoeing around me and acting all sympathetic because of what I write in my journal. I've never been comfortable with people feeling sorry for me and I don't like the idea that they feel my writing my thoughts/emotions in this journal is an invitation to that. Maybe I should have done like Jeff said and just kept it private, I just got tired of writing stuff here and then having to repeat it to other people so I directed them over here. But now things are getting out of hand. I have pretty much always been miserable, off and on, since my father died. This has improved somewhat but not sufficiently to make a real impact.

I've learned to live with it. The misery and such. It's sort of like a disability in some ways, chronic emotional pain we can call it. But I don't like being treated differently because of it. I will survive whatever turmoil I go through, always have. I am under the care of a therapist (Admitadly a cold hearted cruel one like Jeffery B [name withheld for legal reasons]) and I quite frankly don't need your pity.

Today Hee-Ann said he'd enjoy his college better if he hung out with more normal people. I told him to go ahead, I'm fine and he proclaimed that he ahd read this journal and knew I wasn't. That's such BULLSHIT. I hate that kind of stuff. I don't need anyone's pity attention. I may hurt...a lot...but that just makes me stronger. If I have to deal with years of total isolation that's what I'll do. I'm not saying I won't cry or feel like my soul is coming apart at the seams, but when Ben gets shredded he gets off the fucking canvas and walks back into the spinning blades.

So if you're one of the people who do this, read the things I write and take them as a personal plea towards you to help my emotional state....get over yourself. It's not about the readers and it never SHOULD be about the readers. I'm not going to stop being honest just because some people can't handle it. So if you can't read this and still manage to treat me with respect/courtesy and as an equal then DON'T read it. Simple as that.
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