Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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I'm feeling both good and bad at the same time right now. It's like I'm on the edge between optimism and pessimism and my emotions can't decide which way to fall so they keep teetering back and forth. Very strange.

I'm kind of happy with my friends at this moment. I realize that most of the people I want to move past are more aquaintances than true friends, and that the people I really trust and have made an effort to interact with are pretty okay guys (I don't have an overabundance of chick friends (Ed's note: I bet calling them "Chick" friends doesn't help much, does it?). Including people I haven't talked to in like 5 years I have....zero. Including friends I had when I was like 5 it's probaby 2-3, but overall I've never really bonded well with girls. When I was at camp and most of the other C.I.Ts were female I did okay, but I ended up forming the closest relationship with the prettiest girl (Ed's Note: shallow sunnuvabitch, ain'tcha) and I never truly respected her. Of course, the other two girls were a nearly psychotic wierdo (We had something in common except her lies tended towards the cruel, and she was a kleptomaniac which didn't exactly endear her to straightlaced ol' Ben. Still remember standing outside the department store while she was grilled for stealing a tube of lipstick that she could have easily afforded, and her faking a seizure on the way back to camp) and a hippy/meanspirited girl with odd fantasies. I got along well with Ryan before he was kicked out of camp, but Gorf was a marijuana addict and a slacker and we just didn't click. So anyway I spent a fair amount of time with the pretty girl even though she wasn't all that interesting, but it wasn't a friendship in any real way.

There was also Rebecca II, but I handled that badly and don't want to think about it right now.

Anyway, all this rambling amounts to I think I like my friends more than I thought I did, I don't get along well with girls, and I'm a square.

I'm glad I got my music paper over with but I'm sad about how it turned out. I'm looking foreward to doing my art paper but I'm too low on energy right now. Paul says to be optimistic about Ms. Sliverofaghostofachance but self preservation says to forget about her. The huge amount of free time I'm about to have could either be a boon or a curse. I'm not sure whether I'm being thoughtful or indecissive right now.

I feel myself looking towards the future and that's a good thing, but also fantasizing about the past and that's a bad thing.

If I could take back one thing this week it would be a potentially construed as racist coment I made while non-white people were listening in to a conversation I was having with my friend. I am not a racist and I don't want to think that there might be two people out there who think I am. That hurts, even though they are total strangers. It was a mistake that I'm sorry for.

If someone could create "Girl-Out" the mental bleach for men who don't want to think about unatainable women anymore, I am sure they could make a fortune.
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