I had an apointment with Jeff today and he gave me some extra time presumably for free. It went fairly well in some ways but I keep feeling like we're missing some of the really deep issues that I'm dying to talk about. He still goes back to my father as the root of everything and while that's probably true at a deep level, you can't extract oil without doing some drilling. My dad isn't the figure he once was in my life. Recently, especially these last couple weeks, I've felt myself looking to him less and less and looking more towards myself and the future, painful as that is. That's what I want to talk about, where I am now and where I'm going. Because that's what matters to me at the moment. Where I'm going NOW.
I am adjusting to this term and I am going to get through it. I will do what I have to to be reasonably successful and I will NOT be overwhelmed. I will cut myself slack and not let a single failure be an excuse for resignation. I will take my readings one at a time and get through them for their own merit and not out of fear of doing poorly in class. And I will IMPROVE myself in every way I can.
Meanwhile I should go to bed now. I have STATA homework due tomorrow but I haven't done it yet. I'll have to hit the computer lab tomorrow and get it done relatively early. But that's okay, it's only supposed to take half an hour and I have about a 150 minute break between classes so even if I can't do it in the morning I will get it done.
Tomorrow promises to be another busy day. I think I might be starting to like that. You know I read about a woman who tried to live for a few months on minimum wage jobs. Maybe I'm doing the same thing but instead of depriving myself of money I'm depriving myself of time. Not as drastically as she was...but a lot. It'll be interesting to see how the busy half lives, what it's like. I will have to give up some of the pleasures and luxeries of a loose easy schedule but I won't give up this journal or my self reflection. Reflection is one of my best skills and in my opinion a life unreflected upon is hardly worth calling a life. Valentine's day is soon but at least I'm too busy to remember that nobody loves me. Bah! With the aid of Jeff and my own mental toughness and endurance I shall survive this and any other obstacles which seek to impede my progress. Even though the session with Jeff wasn't perfect it did help me make some decisions, especially on the way back when I was late to psych because the train was delayed.
I have to start letting go and living a little. I can't be perfect and I can't afford to try anymore. Mistakes are for the making. Life is for the living. Time to stop being so dead. People recover from screw ups more readily than they can make up for time they spent being conservative. I won't violate my principals or do things I know I'll regret. But dag nab it if I won't go out there and take a couple chances.