Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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He means nothing to you and you don't know why

It's funny how I was much lonelier on the day BEFORE valentine's day than on the big "You're a loser because you don't have someone" day itself. Yesterday I felt incredibly isolated and seperated from the throng of humanity around me. Part of it was because I sat alone in Schermerhorn 614 waiting for my psych test review to begin (I had anthro class in there 40 minutes before the review and I figured that since my elevator is out for the next 6 months it wasn't worth traveling 15 minutes home and back just for ten minutes of computer time or whatever and instead I read a chapter in the textbook) and when people came in they all held conversations and stuff while I read silently to myself. But it's also the fact that although I want to socialize all my attempts recently have fallen flat on their face.

After class this girl from my sociology class last semester came up to me and asked about what I was planning to do to study for the upcoming psych test. It was strange because she had seemed to be one of my staunchest foes during sociology but it might also have been that I've been WRONG in my comments a lot more this semester than in the past. It's a function of my HUGE course load and just general exhaustion as well as the type of instructors I have (for example in statistics I said that if you have three children there is a 50% chance that two of them will be boys. This is because I didn't realize that he meant ONLY or EXACTLY two of them will be boys. So while I was wrong for the question being asked I was correct for the question that I THOUGHT was being asked and there was no particular reason to pick one over the other) I don't like the thought that by being WRONG more I might attract more friends. It just seems SO counterintuitive, and I question the quality of the people I would attract JUST by being incorrect more often. I don't know. Anyway yesterday I spent a lot of time thinking about various things including the fact that I'm FINALLY going to shut down my Everquest account because I haven't played in well over a year, and that Jeff hasn't come into the city to hang out for nearly the same period of time. I think it's another sign of what I see as a weakening relationship between he and I that is pretty painful. I know that I've cut back to once a week and he feels that it's counterproductive but I still had hoped that his statement when he tried to drop by the last time but I already had company that "We would do it some other time" was more honest than the smoke and mirrors from She-Whose-Name-Brings-Melancholy-To-The-Shining-Sun that singed and blinded me.

That might not be fair to him but I don't like how by getting better I become less of a priority when I still don't have anyone else I can rely on in a meaningful way.

I'm also upset that I haven't managed to drop weight despite improving my eating habits and increasing my exercise. It's discouraging that my body builds muscle so easily but couldn't lose an ounce of fat if it was disolved in a pot of soup.

Today was somewhat better. I talked to people in all three of my classes which is rare for me and I managed to get two assignments done which took a decent amount of time and distracted me from thinking about much of anything. But I also feel like my work is slipping a little which I am less than pleased with. I'm talking with my dean tomorrow hopefully she'll have something inspiring to say.

I guess I should, before I go read some more stuff for JUSTICE so I can do better in my discussion section, mention that I dreamed about Her-whose-identity-is-forever-consigned-to-long-cumbersome-phrasings-like-this the night before last. I think this provides some pretty strong evidence that when I do fall I don't fall in no pansy "Oh gee she's swell" way but more of a dark head over heels smash into the sides of the hole during descent and Kersplat at the bottom way. I'm consistant if nothing else. Although I guess you could also, by the same token, call me pathetic cause let's face it. I am.
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