Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I sit alone in the sun I wrote a letter to you getting over myself

I dreamed about her AGAIN last night. This one was much clearer than most of the recent ones have been. I don't want to get into it but it was one of those boomerang dreams where your brain has a lot of fun tossing it out while you're asleep and then you wake up and it hits you in the back of the head. At this point I honestly am starting to feel like I'm being punished for something, I just don't know what. Okay yeah it was stupid for me to make even a clumsy non-pressuring attempt to connect with ANYONE. That's not how my life works. But I did the best I could at playing by the rules and not bugging her too much. I mean I tried to take the hints and I tried not to make things uncomfortable, I never really claimed much of anything with regards to her and I did my best to let it pass away without too much drama, so why am I HAUNTED? I know it's my own fucking subconscious but that just makes it worse. I prefer moral cause and effect where your dreams torment you for something that you did wrong, not just because they like giving you feelings of comfort and happiness only to rip them away upon your waking up for their own fucking jollies.

Yesterday I didn't do as much as I wanted but probably did enough to survive. I read 2 chapters of my textbook leaving me with 4 to skim through and check for important data today. I should be okay. I also managed to complete the takehome part of the test although I need to edit it a little, so I think I'm pretty much okay with regards to this examination although I certainly am not going to go into it feeling overconfident or really confident. I also found this great shirt (By found I mean I reached into the box of shirts I ordered from Eddie Bauer outlet which I haven't even used half of because I like to slowly insert shirts into my rotation, not crazily insert like 10 at once) that is pretty damned nice looking and has great texture against my skin. I was actually feeling semi-suave in it as I went out to the supermarket, where I proceeded to be about as clumsy as a doped up elephant. I knocked over a couple boxes of snackwells in front of a pair of snickering frat boys which flustered me, and then, because my arm strength has increased to the point where I can overload a shopping basket with liquids without really feeling it, I put a gallon of water into my shopping basket even though the basket was full. This resulted in it falling to the floor and bursting open as I went to get some pasta, and covering the floor with water. In front of the same two snickering guys. Everyone was pretty calm about it because it WAS just water and people spill MUCH worse stuff at supermarkets all the time, but those two incedents did more than enough to remind me "Nice shirt or not, you're STILL a fucking geek." What annoys me is that it's not even that I was that clumsy because I have great relfexes, it's that the snackwells were shelved badly and I just put the water in wrong. But I LOOKED about as slick as a juggling amputee. Kinda used to it though.

Oh well I guess I should actually get some more work done before classes. I'm almost ready for school to start which is good because today I HAVE school despite it being presidents day. Damned Columbia where they created the schedule before we had any presidents to honor. Nobody else has to go to class.

Oh well I guess that sums up most of my last couple of days except that it seems like so LITTLE in retrospect. The rest was lost in resting up and doing various chores/homeworks. At least I HAD gotten properly rested and relaxed before the dream. I wonder how much longer she'll haunt me for...probably a couple more months. At least now I know not to even ENTERTAIN the idea of future interaction with the feminine. Even though I think I've managed to dissolve away a lot of my strong anti-female thoughts and feelings (notice the lack of rants about them recently anyone?) it still carries far too high a cost. I don't know how anyone who knows what this feels like is able to get up, dust themselves off, and make another stab at it. Pain I can handle but uncontrollable self torture? stop this ride I want OFF.

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