Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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She left you out there crying in your heart shaped world.

Please forgive this entry, I am EXHAUSTED and thus incoherent

So here I am. 11 PM, tired, nursing a fat free fudgecicle, and thinking over a few things about life. My Justice TA emailed me back and my paper's due friday like I thought (as opposed to wednesday like the professor said during class) so I actually have time to think.

The first thing I want to note is that I'm not like the other boys. I'm either very thorough or extremely neurotic, I haven't quite decided yet. Today this came into clear view when during JUSTICE class Professor Johnston mentioned offhand that the paper was due wednesday. It was a slip of the tongue (just confirmed by a TA I emailed) but nobody else even seemed to notice it. I was sitting there in shock trying to ask people what he'd said and nobody seemed the least bit upset. It happens frequently, people mis-speak and I get concerned because who knows WHICH time they were mis-speaking? I mean who'se to say he even realized that he intended the paper to be due wednesday seeing as the actual assignment sheet says monday the 22nd (obviously from some past year).

But this isn't the only incedent. Jeff calls me a schoolmarm because I correct his grammer/statements and I tend to be pretty good at correcting myself too although lately not so much.

The second incedent like this today was during my test where I became a bit neurotic. I wrote WAY too much and I made sure the TA okayed my use of the backs of two pages of the test to answer a single question. Then when handing the test in I realized that I only checked my answers once so I went through them again to be sure. The funny thing is I never used to check answers except I would finish before everyone else and I HATED being the first one to hand in a test. This summer Shana noticed that I would finish the Spanish test before anyone else and then just zone out for about 15 minutes till 5 people handed theirs in. Another of my foibles.

Anyway I'm neurotic which isn't anything new, but I'm also different in other ways. Like I'm INCREDIBLY uninhibited in class. I will answer questions on books I haven't read when the whole class of 70 odd students who HAS read the books are too timid to speak up. I will argue points that I only intuit as being right and come up on top. This is not normal and I don't know why I do it. Boredom? Sometimes but it's also some perverse desire to push the envelope and see what I can get away with. I rarely get caught offguard.

I can't find anyone to talk to like ever. Other people start conversations but I pretty much never do. I can honestly say that only a very few times have I initiated a conversation with anyone and it never works out anyway. This I have no reasoning behind.

Anyway those things have me wondering whether I CAN lead any sort of normal or even socially fulfilling life. I mean I'm a FREAK. And not just in easy changable ways like the fact that I don't like to take my jacket off during classes. I just have fundementally different thought patterns than most of the human beings I am around. I don't know, it's been over a month now since my last contact with she-whose-shining-smile-clouds-the-world-in-darkness and I can't really stop thinking about her or looking for some sort of resolution, I'm taking 6 classes and not doing enough work for even ONE of them, my human relationships aren't really doing better than they ever have and to top it all off no matter what I do my weight seems to only rise or stay level. This is the reality of my life and yet has very little to do with my self image. I spend too much time in fantasy and not enough DOING things and I don't know how to break the cycle because fantasy is easy and the things I have to do are damned hard.

The thing is that I see myself living in a nice house near a small town out in the country about an hour from a city and being able to actually stop and smell roses or walk down the street at night looking at the moon without worrying about homework and I haven't the FOGGIEST idea how to get to that vision. And an IRONY is that I could do most of the stuff I want to do if I could just release myself from stress and I'd STILL be as effective a student. My cognitions are just all screwed up....I need to learn new thinking patterns if I want to actualize the life that I want. And now I need sleep because even though I have a lot more to say I'm being incoherent and I'm fucking TIRED. *sigh* not enough hours in a day, days in a week, or weeks in a lifetime. In the end our most precious commodity is time, and no matter what you do there's only so much of it.

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