Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I'm not waiting for you anymore, I don't care what might have been. I'm not waiting for you anymore, I give up so I pretend. But in my heart in my heart I know that though I go I love you still

Some of the reading in my abnormal psychology book and a few things that have been happening around me have gotten me thinking about intimacy and attachement in a more detached serious way recently. Specifically I have been trying to analyze my own attachement style and figure out just what the norm for attachement seems to be.

I do not have a healthy attachement style. How could I? My life has been absolutely filled with people betraying and abandoning me. You can argue that this isn't true till you're blue in the face but you'll lose. Father commited suicide, mother doesn't give a fuck, grandfather's caretaker tried to steal my money etc etc ad naseum. Hell even when I was a kid this shit happened to me. When I was 7 my grandmother who I loved dearly died of cancer and just as I was getting over that my best friend Darwon moved back to Korea (Korea is a long way away from New York for those of you who have the misfortune to be undereducated or british) So my attachement style pretty much bites. but HOW does it bite, that's the supersize your fries for 39 cents question. Let's explore shall we?

1) I avoid attachement. This is fundementally true about me and something that I do at time consciously and at times unconsciously. During the summer when "Her-that-brought-the-abyss-to-my-soul" started sitting next to me I moved. When people talk to me I do my best to give them the information they want and move on, swiftly. I have a powerful distrust of compliments and rationalize away any and all into manipulation or politeness. I am just generally avoident of friendship or anything like it, with the attitude that anything like that which is easily won will be equally easily lost.

2) I distrust attachement. Pretty similar reasons for the avoidance but basically I don't think that I can rely on anyone. I don't neccesarily extrapolate this theory to my friends or aquaintances in that I don't neccesarily think their attachements are bound to die as hideous a soulwrenching testicle crunching death as mine are, but personally I have spend a lot of time around people and REALLY get to know them before I call them a friend in any true meaning of the word. I don't have any REAL friends right now although I have had some in the past. This attitude I think comes from comparing my own attachements to those of the people around me. I know a decent amount of people who have healthy meaningful attachements whereas I have none, and this has perhaps warped my world view a little. Or a lot.

3) Try as I might I cannot apply logic to attachement. I know that this is among the toughest things for ANYONE to do but I am pretty much COMPLETELY unable to do it in any real way. I mean logic dictates that if someone gives you their phone number and calls you twice you would not be operating outside politeness or approraitness to telephone them for some reason or another. I don't operate like this. Basically unless I've been to someone's house or done a bunch of activities with them I will not call them no matter what. Email is as far as I will go. I claim in part that it's because I don't want to bother people but although that IS part of it (due to my lack of friends I tended to bug the ones that I DID have far too much which I have overcompensated for now) I should also admit that part of it definitly IS a fear of rejection. I don't have the social skills required to initiate the wierd courtship dance of modern friendship.

4) When I do attach I do so fiercly. This can be seen through a few examples but I think the most recent one should be sufficient and not require painful restating. I am caught then by being a bipolar attacher vascilating from un to over. This is not a pleasant place to be.

5) I have noticed that my aquaintances seem to mostly have lousy attachement styles to which leaves me with no real models to follow. Hunter was full of the socially inept and the people I hung out with were even worse than most. Now that I'm at Columbia it seems that I am repeating the pattern, spending time with people who, though better at attachement than I am, tend to be on the fringes of the college experience, an especially telling statistic being how many of them are in GS rather than the college proper (GS stands for general studies and is for older students who are returning to college after spending time in the work world)

which brings me nicely to the wrap up of this little list. Basically everything I've written above is true and it's all problematic, but I think my biggest problem is not knowing what I want in the social arena. Ideally I'd want either what I can easily have or to be normal. I don't think I want either of these. In terms of the socialization I ENJOY it tends to be with older people and I don't think that's just symptomatic of the fact that older people tend to be more accepting and open than those who are of my age group, I think it's also a matter of interests and wavelengths. This presents another problem in terms of the activities that older people do and the fact that many of them involve alcohol or being financially independent, but I'll deal with that some other time. The basic point that I want to propose is that

1) I have attachement issues
2) I am at the point where I want to start developing friendships and such again
3) I have no idea how to find people compatible with me and no idea what to do once I found them (if I ever did).

This is not a particularly good situation and one I might want to spend some time trying to figure a way out of. I need to find a strategy to meet the types of people I can get along with without exposing myself to the types of socially awkward stuff that smacks me in the face like a shovel and leaves me reeling. It's definitly something to ponder and I think stating the situation has been a bit helpful but I still don't have a place to start. Maybe I should get out more, but that's not all of it. I mean when I work in a computer lab I do so in complete and utter silence and I don't really talk to people who might say something to me. I need an attitude adjustment. I need to revamp my social attitudes like I did my school ones.

Of course another problem are the social norms which don't fit me at ALL these days, but that's something I've discussed to death.

But it's an interesting question, can one change ones attachement style easily in an environment that is nearly devoid of appropriate candidates for attachement? Is it the person or the environment that defines his potential for relationships?

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