Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Don't let me second guess what I know to be real

It has been an odd couple of days. Friday I fell asleep around 6:45 and got back up at around 10:00 Pm refreshed. Then I stayed up until 5 watching Anime and random SUPER late night syndicated shows like "Street Smarts" and "Change of Heart" (I used to watch them between 1 and 2 back when I regularly stayed up that late) I have no idea why I decided to stay up that late but I ended up not shutting my eyes until the small hand was perilously close to the six.

So I woke up on saturday a little tired but none the worse for wear. I checked my email to see if I was going to head to the library to meet with Derrick and found out that he was busy and couldn't make it (even though he had been the one who'd suggested the time, people are weird) which actually made me feel pretty good. Not only was I a little too tired and unprepared to want to go but I felt validated in being upset that I never recieved a second response from She-who-accidentally-churned-my-world-like-a-storming-sea and a little bit less like an irrelevant chump. Of course I didn't respond to HIM, but I figure I'll see him in class on monday so it's not a big deal. I have to start learning how to end email exchanges when their purpose is done, instead of perpetually responding and continuing them like I have a tendancy to do.

Anyway with my whole day cleared out and my mom gone upstate I started thinking through what I wanted to do for the day. I decided to go see Lord of the Rings since it's probably going to leave theatres soon and I still haven't seen it (I'm not a big movie guy but I figure I SHOULD see this on a big screen because I was a huge fantasy fan back in my youth) I decided to go to the 6:30 showing because it would get me home in time fo boxing, but of course I promptly fell asleep at 4 (about half an hour after making my decision) and didn't get up till 7 so I decided to forget it. I spent the rest of the day just puttering around chatting with some friends over the internet and watching some pretty terrible stuff on TV (I caught 3000 miles to graceland on HBO and it wasn't nearly as horrible as it was made out to be, except for the ending which was far too gratuitously bloody for even my tastes. Don't introduce a character in the last tenth of the movie just so he can spin around with uzis and kill 20 swat guys before they take him out in a hail of gunfire. It's not entertaining and it makes the audience a little queasy)

Anyway what was weird was not the day itself but the fact that I felt NO pressure during it. I was, and remain, calm and relaxed. This is pretty wierd considering how much work I have to do and how high strung I usually am about it. It's like by reverting to my old sleep patterns I recalled the time before I went back to school when I was actually relaxed and didn't constantly feel like I had to be stressing over one thing or another. It feels pretty good actually, although I'm worried about whether it will negatively impact my academic performance. I mean I was just starting to do decently in school again (or at least I think I was) and now I made a few foul ups in class and instead of feeling stressed or upset I feel relaxed. That could be dangerous.

Anyway I'm trying to figure out what I want to do today. I'm going to hang out with Jeff for a couple hours at 11 (I wish it was longer but he's really busy and I appreciate his fitting me in at all) and that should help with some of the things that I've been troubled by, but after that I'm not sure what I want to or should do. I could catch the 2:30 showing of LOTR and then get to my homework which is probably the best plan, but I didn't get much sleep last night so I might be pushing things a bit to think I could get away with that. I could just bum around at home and get some work done which is probably the most productive choice, but then LOTR would probably be out of theatres by next week unless I saw it at some point during the week which could be tough. I also have to write out some comments for the papers I recieved for my GED class which is going to tkae up time so basically I have to chose between self indulgence or responsibility. The thing is that even if I pick the latter I will probably end up just indulging until 6-7 anyway so it might be a better idea just to go to the film and spend the indulgence time the best way I can. It's one of those decisisons that should be easy but isn't, at least for me.

Some random additional notes:

-It's wierd to recieve a postcard from someone who has a livejournal. Aaron sent me a postcard from Britain (I guess he must have taken the Hunter phone book over there because he shouldn't know my address) but it was sent BEFORE several of his recent journal entries, which he recognizes makes it sort of redundant. Anyway at least it has some lovely pictures of Brighton which makes the city out to be pretty much the same as any number of cities throughout America. Some day I will figure out who decided to put a shot of a bunch of boats in a marina on a postcard and I will hit them. I mean unless there's a specific brand of boat that's only allowed to sail in Brighton that shot could be from ANYWHERE. It doesn't even show any of the sea.

-I am thinking about going on the Zone diet to try and ramp up weight loss efforts. The thing is that it looks absolutely horrible in terms of the enjoyment of the food. The portions I'd be allowed would also be incredibly tiny. I don't know, I'll probably go through with it soon but not quite yet.

-I finally found my no name face CD. I'd been looking for it for awhile and I found it. Yeah!

-I need to re-establish my intellectual sharpness somehow since I currently feel a little blechy about some fo the stuff I've been saying recently, and that's not good. I go through cycles of feeling really smart and feeling kind of dumb, currently I'm at the bottom of fortuna's wheel. I hope I get sent upwards again before midterms.

-I was watching Saturday morning cartoons and I thought about how kids these days do so much and I do so little. Like kids are always being sent off to soccor practise and instrument lessons etc and I mostly sit around ruminating and fucking around with video games and anime. It made me slightly depressed. Then I thought about how much you miss out in terms of having time to actually stop and think about things when you're always being shunted off from one activity to another. You're thinking about basketball and then pottery and the next thing you know it's time to sleep and you haven't even glanced at the newspaper. So there's stuff to be said for both sides....still I want to start getting involved in more structured activities and sitting there watching cartoons made for people 1/4 my age made me realize that. If i could drop some pounds I could sign up for a martial arts class and learn some discipline/focus techniques not to mention lose even more weight. Also it might be fun to sign up for a writing class in a non-competitive context on the weekend. Like at the Learning Annex or something. "But Ben, isn't it...umm...stupid for a student at one of the top ten universities in the country to sign up for a class at the Learning Annex which is mostly for high school diploma working peopl?"

"One of these days we'll be in the same place, in the same place punk at the very same time and when it takes place and you want to talk shit, just step your ass up and say it right to my face. You'll get knocked the fuck out, cause your mouth's writing checks that your ass can't cash! Knocked straight the fuck out. Cause your mouth's writing checks that your ass can't cash. (Credit to Fred Durst)"

But seriously, I'm sensative about my writing and I don't want to do it in a competitive environment with writing majors at one of the top programs in the nation while worrying about grades. That's too much pressure.
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