Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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You ain't special so who you foolin? Don't try to give me a line. But I can't stop thinkin' bout seein' ya one more time. But I already left you and you're better off left behind

This semester is probably the first time in my life when I've known what it's like to come home from working and be REALLY tired just from the activities of the day. I started at 9:30 working on my Stata homework in the Lerner computer lab and with the exception of an hour and a half break in between classes for lunch, I didn't get a chance to relax till 8:30. Even taking away the break that's still a 9 and a half hour day and school is generally more stressful than actually working a job because it requires constantly shifting mental gears depending on the class, not to mention absorbing scads and scads of information. I really feel it now, my eyes are unfocused by mouth is dry and my joints are are a little sore from cramping into seats too small for me and running around campus trying to make it to all my classes on time. It's funny, this type of mega activity is both stressful and somewhat satisfying. I mean when I look at myself in the mirror I don't feel like "Well I'm just a lazy ass mofo with nothing to offer the world." I feel like I'm actually out there DOING. That's pretty cool.

I got a 10 out of 10 on my statistics problem set #3 which gives me confidence going into the test. That's 29.9 out of a possible 30 I've gotten so far. Not too shabby. It's an easy class but considering that I have to cram it in among all my others and it requires a fair amount of work at home I'm pretty proud of myself for keeping up.

*12 hours later after collapsing into sleep*

Okay I feel a little better but now I have to recover in time for class in two hours. The only things I really wanted to add to that post were that I am starting to enjoy my GED class again now that the troublemakers have stopped comming. Yesterday the class was both fun and energizing. I went in exhausted and run down wondering how I could survive 2 hours and I came out somewhat refreshed and in a better mood. Maybe it's because when I'm teaching I actually get to engage my mind for two hours rather than letting it moulder and absorb whatever information the professors decide to hurl at it. Apparently my students actually like me (or at least SAY they like me) because I have a sarcastic easy going attitude and make a lot of jokes. Of course they're PROBABLY just playing some sort of angle on me like anyone who ever says anything nice about me is, but hey a guy can HOPE he's making a difference can't he? Even if the class isn't helping them as much as I'd like it is certainly helping me because it's helped me understand where a lot of people are coming from and to understand what it's like to be on the other side of the teacher's desk. Both of those are useful bits of info. Not to mention it gives me some confidence and stress release (It's much less stressful when you don't need to worry about being tested later)

The other thing I wanted to talk about was how this journal has colored my interactions with other people. Since most of the FOB Five (Jing, Aaron, Paul, Kawah, and their mascot Yingbo) looks at it at least occasionally I have started to get used to people knowing at least something about what I'm like when I'm not out there playing highstrung weekday warrior. The fact that this is very much a product of the journal was displayed quite clearly in statistics class when Diana (That's the name of the girl who sits next to Adam, or at least that's the name on her binder) commented that I was lucky when I was able to answer a problem that had the rest of the class stumped. Now answering the problem required remembering a formula not taking a stab in the dark so I'm not sure how luck could play much of a part in it, but the only other way one could take the comment would be to assume she meant I was lucky for being able to remember that stuff. Later she commented that I probably wouldn't need to study for the test which seems to back up that theory. I wonder if people percieve me that way, like some dude who just leads a charmed life where academics come easy and the world is coated in a delicious lump of honey soaked milk. Don't they see the vulnerability? The fact that in class full of people chatting with eachother I'm the dude who sits around by himself before class/during the break/after class? After class I was talking to Adam (yeah it's a direct contradiction to what I just said but that's just 3 classes out of six cause I talk to Derrick after class in the two we are in together) and he said that I worked my balls off...but that's not true either. It's like I somehow don't fit into any convenient catagory so people just ignore me and hope that I'll go away. On a side note I think that Adam's a pretty interesting guy and he has the most positive view of Columbia I have ever encountered since I've been there. He basically says that in other schools, from SUNY Albany to Cornell, he would just fuck around and cheat his way through (He described a scheme where you paid $20 to pass a psych test) but here the professors have "cracked his mind open" and he feels pride in his work and like he's actually learning stuff. Maybe there IS something to Columbia's rep. Anyway it just made me think about how I feel like this Journal has opened me up a bit, even to folks like Chuck to whom I was never particularly closed, and ruminating on how it's a much more specific effect than it feels. I guess that's a good and bad thing (I certainly wouldn't want people I'd just met to read it) but it's a thing I hadn't thought about. And now I have. Woot.
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