Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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So scared that I'll never get put back together

Wow...talk about a metaphorical punch in the stomach. In anthro today I was actually interested in what we were discussing because it was sometthing that could more easily be understood on a macro level than a lot of the other stuff we've talked about. So I made a couple of comments one of which was said to mirror the reading and another to be a re-iteration of what the professor had just said (although I don't think that I was exactly repeating what he was saying, more asking for a clarification) and seeing that they weren't getting good or useful responses I decided to shut up and wait the rest of the class out. So there I was sitting around listening to the discussion and waiting for the class to end so I could come home and play Jet Set Radio Future, when suddenly professor Gregory's voice booms "MR. _________! STOP LOOKING AT THE CLOCK" I froze like a deer in headlights. The thing is that I had sort of gone into internal invisible mode where I am unaware of my physical existance and only focusing on my thoughts and sensory inputs. So when professor Gregory boomed that at me I wasn't ready for it. Suddenly I was back in Ms. McNally's classroom dealing with a smallminded instructor who was extremely disinterested in education and only focused on her own smallminded bullshit. In the land of the cruel and the arbitrary. I reacted accordingly.

"I...I can leave."
"What?"
"I can leave the room if you want"

Everyone stared at me and then a few started snickering. Professor Gregory muttered something and went back to teaching and I sat there wanting to bolt but knowing if I did I would not be able to return to the classroom. So I sat there as quiet and small as possible for the next 30 minutes with my eyes fixed forwards until I had a chance to bolt. Except I couldn't...Derrick beconed me. I waited outside the classroom for him and then listened for 15 minutes while he lectured me on how to take a joke etc. Meanwhile some girl was yapping at his heels about the study session that he's putting together and he was telling her to hold on because he had to finish stroking my ego. It was very nice of him and it did make me feel better but it definitly established us as unequal and not in that good "Ben's Superior" way that I like so well. I guess he's 35 so it would be kind of pathetic if he didn't know more about social interaction than me (plus he owned a dance company and dance can be a social business) but it's humbling to be...well...humbled. Anyway we will all be doing the study group, I will probably apologise to professor Gregory for over-reacting, and I guess I'll have to search for friends more my age/equally neurotic. I wonder if there's a young adults ward at bellvue.

Until then I will just soak in the humiliation. Ahh it's good to be a social reject. Don't strain your back picking up the mail on Christmas.
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