Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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This could be that freefall back to me

I'm worn out.

And not in any temporary physical fatigue way. I'm just....WORN. Down past the bone to the nub of existance. My roughspots sanded smooth as I thrash around in the brillo web of existance. Today started out with insomnia and a dull headache. The sort of headache that stays with you throughout the day, making you uncomfortable like a mental wedgie really stuck up in there good. Aspirin won't stop it because it's not so much the pain as the blearyness and weariness that gets to you. Tpday was one big smear of time, starting with the 60th straight morning where I've sworn to do homework and frittered away the time on the net/listening to music instead. The specific bit of work I was intending today was studying for my stat test, but I needn't have bothered since it was about the easiest thing I've done since making Kawah question his sexuality. I spent 15 minutes on actual calculations and the next hour+ checking my work and adding in some explanations. I was actually shocked at how easy the test was and thought everyone would get 100 but when I talked to some people outside the classroom while waiting for Adam to get out I was shocked at the mistakes some of them had made. A couple of them thought that the chance of getting 1,1 when you roll two dice was 1/21 and there were a couple others who didn't get the last question even though it was excessively easy. I doubt I got 100 since I probably failed to explain some of the really simple stuff with enough specificity but I'm confident that I probably got over a 90 on it.

Anyway by the time I finished the mid term I was so exhausted and mentally worn out that all I wanted to do was collapse, but I had a reading response for Japanese history due to be emailed in tonight so I stayed up for a couple hours doing that, although I did an extremely crappy job at it. It's a funny feeling doing intellectual labor when you're well past the point where you can devote any sort of focus or energy to it. You're writing on autopilot, strange feeling. After that I ate a crappy dinner, watched some really shitty TV, and had a nice fight with my mom precipitated when she complained about the message the lifeguard at her pool left with me and forgot her keys so I had to let her into the house which involved me abandoning a shower to buzz her in and then open the door. I was so damned tired I couldn't even summon any rage.

Anyway I'm not sure what this is a result of but I feel REALLY worn out right now. Like I'm sitting here writing and I know I should be headed towards bed but I don't even have the energy to leave the chair. I'll recover from THAT of course, but I've felt more and more worn out as this semester has progressed. I'm not sure whether this is because of my courseload or instead due to the fact that I'm not passionate about anything right now and am drifting further and further away from the time when I was, but I need to figure it out and fast. I'm starting to fade away here folks.

I told someone today that I was just swinging on through the semester by the skin of my teeth but that's not true. I only wish it was. The fact of the matter is that I could use a challenge at this point. I feel like I'm just cranking out my life on the assembly line, and that ain't good. Not that anybody cares or that I'm making sense...but...but...Eh screw it if I knew how that setence ended I'd be a much happier person.

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