Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Look to the stars for answers

So after last night's feeling of being worn out and reading a few webcomics this morning I started to think about suburban life. Why isn't it for me? I mean there are people out there LIVING. They go to work in relatively easy non-stressful jobs, spend the rest of their time in recreation or relationship building or personal projects/hobbeys, enjoy the occasional legal or illegal mind altering substance, and just generally live life. These are people who like go to county fairs with dates and go swimming on weekends or spend weeknights actually doing worthwhile stuff like playing music or *gasp* dating. They live relatively in the moment and don't spend their whole lives thinking 5 years into the future.

So why am I mentioning these people? Because last night and for part of this morning I started thinking that I wanted to be one of these people. That I should just chuck it all, take some of my cash, find an apartment or house to rent somewhere in upstate New York or even some other state, get a slightly above minimum wage job, and just take it EASY. It's not a bad plan or even an unrealistic one. I mean I have a high school education (could get my diploma easily with all the community service I've done at Columbia) I have a good deal of money to fall back on, and I know that I have the skills/intelligence/determination neccesary to succeed at the bottom rungs of the work world. So why aren't I packing?

Well part of it is financial concerns. A Wall-Mart or Gap salary might do you alright when you're 20 and your biggest expense is gas money/Xtacy, but down the road there are definite differences between someone earning 10-20 dollars an hour and someone with a salary that is closer to 80k a year. But if materialism was my main reason my colleigate career would be different too. I'd go pre-law and waltz into one of the bigger law schools which would enable me to make fat stacks fairly quickly (maybe it's arrogant for me to think I COULD do this, but I really think it wouldn't be too tough. Grab a nice GPA and some good recs coming out of Columiba College and you can at LEAST get into Columbia Law which is a good enough school) so while I did think briefly about the financial it wasn't a really convincing argument. I could dump my cash into a decent mutual fund live only off what I could earn and have plenty of money for retirement etc when the time came. Money doesn't keep me here.

The next thought that I had was about social connection, in that the type of people I like to "hang" with tend towards the more intellectual, but that was summarily dismissed because I don't hang with much of anyone and in fact I HATE totally neurotic people obsessed only with material success.

No it comes down to one thing...I want to DO something with my life and this is the best way I can think of to go about that. I want to have an impact, wanna bullrush the world. This is a concept that I have been denying recently under orders to be more modest from just about everyone but FUCK that. I still want, no NEED, to contribute to the world in some sort of substantial way and Columbia is the best option I have to move towards that goal right now. Even when I was at my lowest, spending 12 hours a day playing Everquest and basically ignoring life to a frightening degree, I held on to this goal and I'm not giving it up now. As soon as I realized that I got a burst of energy and was able to do well in my discussion sections today. THAT'S the passion I need to cling to, the burning desire that will get me up and moving no matter how tired and worn I am. The thing that will pick me up off the ground after life inevitably clubs me to my knees for the umpteenth time. Last sunday Jeff told me "The reason we (and I don't think he meant that royally) can't understand certain behaviors of other people is that we're used to doing things through sheer willpower." Well that's true enough, and now I know where, in part, my will comes from. Sometimes when you soulsearch you can find things you didn't know you had lost. That's what happened this time. So alright world...beat me devalue me or call me names, I don't care. I'm going to keep going with renewed vigor cause damn it, I have somewhere I have to be. Again.
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