Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Oh my peer, your veneer, is wearing thin and cracking

Woke up this morning feeling like something crawled up in my head and died. I had the sort of groggy headache where the world feels two inches closer than usual and your heart feels like it's beating just below the surface of your paper thin skin. Right then it was clear that it was not going to be a pleasant day. There were South AFricans sleepin in the living room so I was sort of banished to my little corner of the home, preventing me from getting out there to grab some aspirin or the like. Most of the morning was spent in a bit of a haze trying to read the Conrad Shirokauer book for my J civ course but mostly either watching terrible TV or just lying down trying to dispell the haze that shrouded my brain like a thick, abrassive, burlap bag. At a little past noon my mom took her Afrikaaners and left the house. I hopped in the shower which felt uncomfortable and too REAL on my raw feeling flesh (I might be losing a little weight though, finally, which is nice) And then I headed to the library to meet Derrick. I really shouldn't have gone except after giving that whole speech about being resolved to keep on going no matter what got thrown my way I didn't want to pussy out. So I walked around feeling paranoid that I had missed him for about 10 minutes and checking if I had the wrong room. After that I sat down in one of the comfy chairs and waited for about 10 more minutes (I don't know why 10 minutes was such an important number today) until it was half past one (we'd agreed to meet at 0 past one) and I figured either he'd only waited 5 minutes before splitting or he had decided not to come. So I checked my email on one of the library computers and it turned out he was going to be an hour and a half late because of exterminations going on in his building. Of course he'd SENT this email at 1:04 so I had already left my house by then but it was still strangly comforting to actually know what was going on. Especially considering where I was (The Butler lounge is where I had my first meeting with She-Of-The-Overused-Hyphonated-Name-Gimmick and where the darkness first started to lift as she read back to me from her page of suggestions most of the stuff I had thought of the day before and showed me that I was, at least for that fleeting moment, not entirely alone in the universe) I was left with a decision then of whether to email him and cancel the whole thing and go home and sleep or to wait it out for the remaining hour there in the lounge alone. (Theoretically I could have gone home for 50 minutes and come back to the library in time to meet but ummm the way I was feeling...yeah that wasn't going to happen) I decided to wait it out so I found a comfy chair, settled in, and pulled out the textbook so I could catch up on some of the reading I had neglected to do over the past 6 weeks. About 15 minutes into the hour this girl who looked kind of like Jing's long lost love sat down opposite me at the little table I was sitting at, pulled out a laptop, plugged it into the ethernet port, and started typing away. I couldn't help thinking of the J who was probably doing exactly the same thing in Illinois. I was feeling a little too tired and irritable to persue that line of thought and went back to my book. 15 minutes after that this girl from my psych class who was sitting at the nearest little table started making out with her boyfriend (I hope) and sitting on his lap etc which of course was slightly distracting and annoying but I was too fucking tired to move so I just focused more on my book which actually wasn't bad at all for a text book. Some day I will hash out my thoughts on PDAs, but probably not for many years. It's not a topic I have enough contact with to be able to comment effectively on. And yes people...that HAS stopped me before. Pricks. Anyway Derrick showed up on time bearing Lime Tortilla chips and Humous (My poor burlaped brain could barely comprehend that combo) and we tried to get down to some studying. The trouble was that he wanted a narrative form of what we'd learned in class and I had to use all my available powers of concentration to actually stay on task and not wander off into intellectual la-la land. We really didn't get much done because I was barely up to keeping my eyelids open let alone explaining 6 weeks of Japanese History class. But we did talk about SOME stuff. Anyway towards the end we sort of wandered away from Japan and I learned some pretty interesting things about him. I feel bad for semi-wasting his time but I think I will be able to help him once we get the test questions so it's okay. The real test of the afternoon was when Derrick was going through the free book pile in the room and started reading random french to me and mentioning his intent to spend next year in Paris. As if I wasn't already thinking about her enough. My mind started racing but it was weakened and slow so I managed to reign it in enough not to do something totally inappropriate like shout "STOP" or grab the book. I guess that sort of mental flood is kind of like horseback riding (Yes I used to ride horses way back when. I did a lot of things.) you can't stiff up and fight it, you can only hope to control it. I still remember being 11 and rocketing off on a runaway pony over a jump 3 times as large as anything I'd done before. I was scared as hell but I managed to relax and I went over the jump perfectly. Eventually the horse slowed down and I got off uninjured. On the other hand once when riding a grey stallion named Mud I tensed up too much and got thrown three times in one day. Lucky I was a resiliant durable little fucker and I had my helmet on. Anyway I think rogue thoughts are sorta similar. If you fight them they will just end up doing damage. You need to let them run their course and take the hurdles smoothly.

Anyway after the french books Derrick showed me how to use Pine email (something I needed to learn long earlier and ALSO connected with her) I heard two girls talking about the Butler echo and remembered when she showed it to me, reminding myself that I wasn't crazy for thinking that she had social interest in me outsider mere classroom circumstances, and went home to collapse. That was pretty much my day. Oh I also saw "The Mexican" starring Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts. James Gandolfini is very cool. He reminds me of my dad a little in his stature and hangdog face.

Oh well, another day where not much productive was done. I hope I feel better tomorrow since I'm heading into mid term week and I need to get some work done before I REALLY start getting the pressure put on. Here's to my health.

P.S. I DID see a guy in the library who looked almost exactly like Jing except Sans mole. It was weird to see dopplegangers of both him and Aaron's Prom Date in the same place at vaguely the same time. Maybe Jing II was stalking A.P.D. II. That would be a bizzare but cool situation.
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