Anyway I actually walked out of that test a little early (I filled everything in but I could have clarified some of my answers if I'd wanted to) because my heart just wasn't in it. Then I went for a walk and did some thinking. I'm not who I want to be right now. I feel constrained by school, like my mind has been twist tied up to fit through the doorways of academia and now that I'm inside I can't unpack it. I haven't said/written/thought anything REALLY brilliant in months. Some would argue that I never have, but at least I used to be capable of BETTER stuff than I am now. I sacrificed my mind at the altar of academic success and I never really looked back until now when I came to realize that If I REALLY want to get the grades I'm going to have to do more than just rein my thinking in. I'm going to have to conventionalize in ways I haven't yet, like keeping my mouth shut during class and doing a lot more reading (which would actually be quite a good thing realistically.) There's just so few hours in a week....*sigh*
I need to turn things around, I really do. My life is swirling down the drain faster than you can say "Timmy Ate the Urinal Cakes." I just don't know how to do it on my own. It's the same old logical loop of not having the support to crawl out of the hole and not being able to get the support without deholing myself. I just need someone to help me allign myself...but that isn't going to happen. I guess I'll have to figure out how to do it on my own. All I know is that I'm not going to keep THIS up. I need to get back into intellectual shape (as well as physical.) Need to re-establish myself as a cutting mind. Need to get SOME self esteem back.
And I need to stop focusing on grades and start acting like the person that I used to be and want to be again. *hunh*. Change is needed, I'm not NEARLY there yet, although I'm glad that I'm not breaking down emotionally after bombing a mid term like I might have in the past. I've backslid but my general progress has still been forward. Now let's shift into high gear.
Oh and while I'm cataloging my failures I might as well add that I had a rude awakening today about making assumptions based on surfaces. Adam didn't show up to Stat today and I ended up talking to Diana on the way off campus. At first she struck me as a sort of white-bread American Cheerleader type who was friendly, smart enough not to be irritating, and bland beyond human comprehension. Turns out she's a native of the Czech republic where she went to a specialized high school that was taught half in czech and half in Spanish and she wants to be a trade diplomat for America working in the Czech Republic. Not exactly wonderbread. I talked with her for about half an hour and learned some interesting things about the Czech educational system and internationalism etc. Her American accent is apparently the result of one of her parents being an American but she's tri-lingual so maybe she's just good with language.
Anyway besides misjudging her HORRIBLY, I also did some awkward stuff during just 30 minutes of conversation. First, while making a hand gesture, I smacked a passing woman in the chest, above her breasts but still embarassing. It was clearly unintentional cause I never even saw her (I had my back to her and was talking to Diana about something or other) but was still incredibly embarassing. Secondly when one of Diana's friends came to say hi to me she turned to me and said "Hey aren't you in anthropology? I heard one of your comments one time and I thought it was really intelligent...just thought you'd like to know that at least someone was listening" I just stood there in shocked silence and said nothing. I don't take compliments well and Anthro is NOT a course where I am proud of what I've said. I don't really care about seeming uncool but it's kind of depressing to have it served up on a platter like that.
I don't like myself much right now. I feel sluggish, stupid, worthless, all that other stuff. And I just don't know what direction to go. Maybe I should crawl under a rock and die. The world doesn't have much use for me. I feel intellectually impotent.
I have more to say but in this state I don't feel confident enough to express myself properly. I'll leave that for another time. Right now it feels like I'm living in a tissue paper world where my vaunted intelligence will be exposed for fraud any moment and leave me with nothing. And inside my head I feel stupid too.
I've tied myself so tight that I can't get loose.