Well I am finding it harder and harder to classify myself as a depressed and deeply wounded individual. On Wednesday I did poorly on some tests and had some of my new high GPA veneer chipped away at and instead of the hollowness I was expecting to feel inside with that outer layer peeled away instead I found....strength. I felt bad about it for a day or so but then instead of lapsing into my usual pattern of intense stress and deep depression and feelings of worthlessness I woke up today feeling like a million buckaroonies. A fucking revelation if I've ever had one (And I've claimed many more than I've actually had but I HAVE had my share.) I can feel good for no reason. And it isn't gonna cost me anything.
Anyway I was reading about these prodigies and all the troubles they've struggled through and those who made an impact and those who ultimatly consigned themselves to anonymity because they couldn't handle the pressure and the isolation...and normally I'd be jealous but this time I wasn't. I actually felt sympathy with these poor souls dumped too fast into a world that moves way too slow for them. It surprised me. Then I realized why I wasn't feeling my usual scorn and jealousy. I have come to accept that my life isn't over. I'm not burned up washed out and done at the age of 20. I wanna live.
It's an interesting feeling. Anyway I guess getting your wisdom teeth out is as good a rite of passage as any so I'm going to make a REAL effort after this to change some stuff in my life. For the last year or so since I've been back in school people have been calling me smart, brilliant, whatever at various points. Maybe it's time to take them seriously. I've been holding back big time. Playing games because I was afraid to test myself. Enjoying the experience of walking a thin line by skipping all the work and commenting on assignments/lectures from pure intuition and natural wit. That's worked okay but maybe it's time to stop playing children's games and take the business of my life seriously. I am going to make a real effort to do my reading this coming semester. Fuck that I won't be able to watch my "favorite" television programs. Fuck surfing the web for boring crap. I'm going to read and then I'm going to go into class and I'm going to see what I can do when I'm not handicapping myself. I've been afraid that I'd have to much to say and would end up feeling frustrated and rejected but we shall see. I know that if I try and fail I won't be destroyed. I know that I can survive finding out that my limits are lower than I thought they were.
I've said it before but this time....it feels different. Maybe I've said that before too. I don't care. I'm resolved. Maybe I'll have to take some meditation courses or something to be able to attain the level of focus I need...but that's allright. I can't let this be another empty promise to myself. It's time to actually DO something. When next I type I'll be bleeding and in excruciating pain...and hopefully ready to be a man. Excuses are a crutch. I'ma do it.