Took my art final. I don't think I did very well but I probably did okay. Got an A on that 1 hour paper I handed in, which is encouraging.
Have music final tomorrow. Preparation level=Zero. Panic has not yet set in.
I'm starting to get post partum (yes I know this only applies to women who've had babies, but it's my damn journal and if I wanna misuse vocabulary you'll LIKE it and say "Thank you sire, may I have another?") depression from my classes. I am going to have six weeks of summer to myself. Six weeks is too little to do something organized and too much not to do anything at all. I'm going to have to self actuate. RED-ALERT! RED-ALERT! Man the Slackerments! All hands to Slackerville!
I'm giving it all we've got captain....can't....overcome....ambition!
I want to get punched, full in the face and feel that overall weakness you get when you get hit really hard, and overcome that and fight back tooth and nail. I want to have something to fight for. I want to have someone to tell this to. I want to have a deep conversation that lasts 4 hours and ends with more than a slump shouldered goodbye. I want to drip sweat to the cheers of the masses.
I want to, I want to, I want to.
Despite my whining insecurity I am sure of several things.
I am a brave person. If I have a reason beyond my own personal gain to do something, I am a very brave person. I would fight a mugger for a stranger's benefit. I can do anything worth doing, if it's on a dare.
I am a sensative person. I have great empathy and I am emotionally vulnerable through all my scars. I feel bad for slights I never commited, and I wish I wish I wish I could do something significant but I don't know where to start.
All these good things I am, do not mean a damn, if I can't get my fat ass out of this chair and face the world.
It's scary out there. So scary.
I am slowly lurching towards doing something with my time/life. I am breaking free of a thousand old bonds. My eyes are so used to the dark they still ache at the slightest light, but still I fight. I fight.
Tired, not making sense, having trouble caring. I will I will I will I will I will.
I will do what I want to have done.
I will write better entries so that the two people reading this don't get tired of me and move on to pachinko.
I will learn to play Pachinko.