Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Unpredictable, it's my mistake to stay here

For those people who actually know me:

Am I really that different in real life versus online? I don't know, I just said something to a friend of mine online that I would never say in real life. Maybe I have a case of net rage. Here's two emails from two women I met at college, the only two who sent me anything which remarked on my character, as opposed to the one from my "critic" on sunday night. I really am not sure how they can be addressed to the same person.

From the hostess of the only party I've attended in the past 6 years.:

my dear benjamin-

your cleverness outmatches that of every brilliant new yorker i have met
this past year, and i have met quite a few. it's too bad we didn't meet
earlier because i appreciate your perspective on life and would have
preferred more time to discuss your views.

don't apologize for your bad jokes- the effort to communicate is far more
valuable than persistent isolationist silence. also, valerie actually did
want to talk to me about some personal issues and that's why she stayed
behind. we ended up talking for 20 minutes after you left.

and can you believe that the day after the party, both cd players starting
working just fine? so that should tell you a little something about my luck
at the moment.

oh yes- take care of your heart...no matter how mentally or physically
strong you are benjamin, it is always possible for someone to break your
heart. some poets say that this is a good thing, but being that my own is
broken, i just cannot agree. people say to love others like you've never
been hurt, but is that really possible? i tell you to take care because
when it comes to love i think you have to be very careful. what i learned
this year is that sometimes when you try to dive in head-first, you end up
doing a bellyflop. and that hurts.

i hope you had a safe and wonderful holiday yesterday. the fireworks made
me feel like a little girl again.

go outside and let the sun give you big hugs-

From someone who I tried to help after our music teacher over the summer informed her that she would be flunking the class (She was a senior and this would have prevented graduation and caused a host of problems):

Hi Ben,
well, Cynthia just emailed me saying that I passed. I guess she decided
to be fair in the last minute.
Well, thank you very much for listening to me and trying to help me find a
solution. I know I'll always remember this class and you too. Please,
let me know if you ever need a hand or anything.
Good luck and I'll see you,

From the angry person who hates me:

Please explain to me your logical thesis on how you expect women to be "nice" "sweet" or otherwise pleasing when you so clearly hate
them?

Are you interested in women who are submissive? Women who hate themselves?

I'm truly intrigued that one who considers himself to be so logical and intellectual could miss the point that if you hate something, it
probably won't like you back.
In fact, I thought you were intelligent - which is why I went to your diary in the first place.
Then I saw you women bashing - you even went as far as to say that you don't want females as lab partners at school.
Do you hate other races too? Are you gay?

Or do you think that men are allowed to be dominant and cruel and be nastily "verbose", but women should always be sweet and
compliant?

You have very strong opinions, and it seems to me that you hate women for being like you.

You hate women who are just as opinionated as you are.

Oh the irony....

Okay now maybe this is just making excuses or stroking my own ego, but I don't see how you can mesh the three views. I've been thinking about this somewhat and the best conclusion I can come to is that I'm just a completely different person online to who I am in real life. This is somewhat bothersome to me. So what do people think, do this journal and my online interactions with you represent who I actually am in person? Is there a significant and relevant difference? Am I just trying to excuse bad behavior through past good behavior? Should I just forget about the whole sunday incedent and go on as I was before figuring it was just an angry person taking out agression on me? Should I stop asking questions that nobody is going to answer?

I wonder wonder wonder.
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