Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Last night was not a good one. First I watched the movie "The Green Mile" which was decent, if predictable, and then some boxing which was sub-mediocre. The movie really depressed me, not because of the subject matter but because it made me face just how special I am not. I realized that for all my "Potential" (I'm really starting to hate that word) as a writer I am a LONG way from being able to write a character as cruel and heartless as Percy. I also don't know if I could ever treat my characters with the indifference of a passive narrator and let awful things happen to them. I feel really inadequate.

It also made me realize that no matter how much I lie to myself and no matter what classes I take in college, I am still secretly dreaming of making a go at being a writer. People tell me I have talent, people tell me I should try, but I'm deathly afraid of failure. I know that I could be a success in other fields but I also know that at some point I'm going to have to face my childhood/teenaged/adulthood fantasies and try to write. Scary.

After I watched the extremely metaphoric boxing match (The loser had better form than the winner but he lost because he kept punching with only the left hand jab, not leaving himself open to counterattack but also not getting anything done, which is how I feel almost all the time) I talked with one of my friends over the net. He has the address of this journal so I have to face the fact that there is a small chance he'll read this, but I have to be honest with myself or this is pointless.

Anyway I talked with my friend and he has a crush on this girl that he's known for about 2 seconds. I think she's entirely wrong for him, far too conventional and she smokes (not that I've met her mind you) but he has a crush on her and he finally got up the nerve to call her. She said she wasn't interested in any kind of relationship with him (and indeed he had to ask a favor just to be able to talk to her for 10 minutes) until he mentioned that he would be selling chocolate soon, at which point she said she might drop by his work and take some for free. Peter feels great about this, but I think that the fact that she's so willing to use him bodes ill. I dunno, he's a great guy but sometimes he leaves himself so open and vulnerable that I feel both envy for his bravery and pity for his blindness. I hope it all works out for him (jealousy issues aside) but the whole thing makes me think about how badly the world is set up to accomidate sweet and honest people. My natural impulse is to be open and caring but I've learned to develop armor to protect myself. Is that a good or bad thing?

All my best sexual fantasies have to deal with rejection and my being lonely in a crowd of happy people. How sick is that?

I really need to start making less depressing/boring posts or this is just going to end up being an entirely private enterprise in a public space. I feel guilty for using the Live Journal web servers to write a journal that no one would ever want to read. I have such a strong need to please people, and so few ways to do so.

I was happy inside my little shell till I tore out of it to look for light and instead found myself in a thunderstorm. The girl I had a crush on has politely told me to fuck off, the only true friend I've made in the last year is inadequate for all but the simplest conversations and I dread my mother's return like the coming of the Spanish Inquisition. There is so much that's wrong with me and so very little that's right. I'm special allright, especially pathetic. I'm 19 and already a failure.
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