Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I been bumming around this old town for way too long.

I've been wondering recently where my subversiveness went. I used to be a real anti-athoritarian. I'd cause trouble (ethically of course) and be a pain in the ass and I wouldn't even bat my eyes at the consequences. At camp when captured by the former-marine guy who ran the place I was cool and collected, ditched the beer bottle the chick had given me in the trash in one smooth motion (dipping my hand deep in so it wouldn't clink) on the way back and sat there smiling while he yelled at us and she sobbed like a baby. That's as close as I've ever been to being in trouble with the law but I doubt it would've been much different if he'd been a cop (Unless I had done something immoral in which case I'd feel shitty anyway)

Anyway these days I'm the opposite. I'm mr. Goody two shoes. In school on time, respectful in my comments, none of that old fire and brimstone and subversiveness. What happened? Did I get soft when I lost my self esteem? Do most people lose their "edge" when they exit the teen years? Is it just dorment waiting to re-emerge in a more appropriate environment? I don't know. I'm a more positive person these days but I don't want to fade into normalcy and mediocrity. I still want to believe that I'm different and that I'm not afraid to fight for what I believe in.

It's a subject that's been bothering me

For dinner tonight I was on my own. I felt a little tired and was tempted to just call in a burger or chinese or something. But I didn't. I fought against years of habit I got off my ass missed a TV show and cooked myself dinner. Skinless fat free chicken breast with sauerkraut, broccoli red peppers garlic and string beans sauteed in olive oil, and stewed tomatos. For desert I had a 30 calorie fudge pop and a little turkey to balance out the protein. A supper that's very low in sugar or processed carbs and high in fiber and green vegetables. Not a big deal for most I guess but the longer I can go without heeding the siren's call of the foods I used to love the better my chances are. I'm not living in a state of denial where I say "If I can only make it down to X weight I can start eating crap again" I'm trying to re-align my dining expectations. Today I had the urge for fried fatty foods that I've always eaten and instead I went for a vegetable heavy lean protein supper that was actually quite satisfying. One step at a time.

I also re-started biking which is good. Need that exercise to go with the diet. My mother is incredibly two faced. She nags all the time that I need to lose weight so I can have grandkids for her (Yeah, and yet when I try to cook healthy she whines endlessly about pots soaking in the sink etc. I guess I should just magically eat healthier without any side products. I can't wait to graduate and escape. I want to go somewhere far away. Wonder if there's a decent Law school in Alaska.
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