Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I just spent a bunch of money online. I had the cash saved up, but I don't know whether I will use the stuff I bought. A lot of it is anime and I haven't watched anime for quite some time, but I really need to start cause I have a TON of unwatched stuff I bought. I figure that now that school is over I will be able to at least watch some per day. It will keep me occupied. I feel bad about spending the cash though cause I haven't for awhile. It's residual guilt from when I spent a lot more than I should a month or so ago. Oh well, I'll deal, I hope.

I'm worried that I have to start paying some of the bills but my mom left the checks GOD knows where. She is a terrible person. She said she left signed checks for me to pay bills with but she lied about where she put them and I can't find them. I guess I'll go the last few weeks of this stint alone without power.

My shrink is trying to weasel out of reading this journal by saying that he's worried that his reading it will "stunt the process" because I'll be afraid to criticize his ass. Well fuck you Jeff, I know that the truth is that you don't WANT to spend the time to read this, and you know what? You don't have to. Just be honest that you don't have the time and inclination and don't give me some bullshit semi-excuse. That doesn't cut it, and this should prove that I'm not afraid to critize you, you sometimes hipocrtical semi-manipulative bastiche.

Yeah, I still see a shrink.

Seven years ago my father drank poison and killed himself and my mother lied and said it was a heart attack and I only found out it was suicide over the radio. I was in school 4 days later and my mom's been semi-crazy ever since.

Yeah I see a shrink.

I wish I hadn't spent the money, but I deserve a little something for getting through yet another semester, and we can afford it. I just am ramping up the level of my responsibility. I'm not going to be a teenager much longer and I do have a significant amount of growing up left to do. I remember when Colin said, in seventh grade, that if he turned 14 before he got laid he'd go to 42nd street and hire a hooker. I'm gonna be 20 in less than half a year and I've never even kissed anyone and it doesn't look like I'm going to any time soon.

One of my fears is that I will find the perfect person and be so inexperienced that I will drive them off and be alone again, but the truth is that before I worry about getting experienced in that realm I have so many other things to deal with that I'll probably make it into the hall of 30 year old virgins. Guys so geeky that they get totally skipped over during the recreational relationship phase and end up being married by sluts who want security and end up fucking the tennis pro on the side anyway. I'd rather die a virgin than be one of those husbands who marry inappropriate women just to get laid.

This journal is getting kinda explicit, I don't know if that's against the rules. I've been thinking about sexual things recently, I'm not sure why. I think it's because I've been dealing with a lot of peers and teenage boys are sort of supposed to be obsessed with sex. Considering the statistics out there about when people have sex and how many partners they have, my friends are a bunch of super geeks.

Raise your hand if you're suprised.

The fantasy I have late at night underneath the covers is that I'm a successful 40 something professional with absolutely no sexual experience and I'm shunned by my colleagues because I always come to social events alone, without a girlfriend. This brings me comfort and pleasure, to imagine myself being rejected by friends and women alike.

Is anyone still doubting that I need a shrink?
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