Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I know I can't keep it all together

For the first time in awhile I am actually feeling bad. I've been stressed out this week over these papers and also have been recovering from my illness. It's been hot as Hades in APRIL no less (I love cold weather) and I pretty much have no shot at getting into the psychology honors program. That last one is the thing that bothers me most and it's unfortunatly the only one that isn't going to go away fairly soon (Well the weather may stay hot but that alone is not enough to upset me)

I'm not a hundred percent sure why I'm so fixated on getting into psych honors, especially considering the fact that I'm not even certain I want to do psychology. It's not the subject I find most interesting and it's definitly not what I'm best at. The thing is that I really want to contribute to the world of SCIENCE and I know that I'm not cut out for the really hard (As in no room for interpretation, not difficult) ones like chemistry or physics (and I'm SO not doing biology at Columbia) so psychology is the only one really left for me. I guess I could just major in it without worrying about honors if I were, you know, sane, but I NEED validation from the academic establishment that I'm special and good and all that cause I'm sure as hell not getting it anywhere else.

I don't really have a family. I have my somewhat unhinged mother who occasionaly I interact with in a manner that could be described as semi-friendly but generally we just clash a lot over just about everything.

My social life is almost as non-existant. As Elenelle so graciously put it a few months ago "I don't have friends (Insert superfluous sarcastic use of the term sweetie HERE) I have aquaintances." This is something that I've known and accepted for awhile now. I have long wished that there was a term in between aquaintance and friend that one could use to describe someone who you know pretty well and have spent significant time with but would not rely on to assist with your problems or trust implicitly. I guess friend sort of covers that but I think it SHOULD mean more than that. Anyway I don't have anyone who would qualify as a real friend and thus my "social life" is profoundly unsatisfying. I'm not sure why this is so, I think it's a combination of my reluctance to actually strike up conversation with anybody even if they've talked to me on previous occasions, my general disinterest in my fellow man, my "unique" personality and style of communication, and the fact that I just don't FIT well with my age group.

Romance? Ha. I laugh at you. I point while doing so in order to amplify the effect of the laughter and make you realize that I am indeed laughing at you and not some other thing. I have a schizophrenic view of romance, fear and disdain mixing with idealization and longing. It doesn't really make sense but it's pretty good proof that I should probably avoid that Arena until I have some sort of grasp of what I actually think about it. Also there are the considerations that I have no particular prospects OR targets at this juncture and my Abnormal professor mentioned that people who do not learn how to interact romantically during high school often lack in the neccesary skills to make future relationships work. She's constantly refering to how wonderful being in love is and how horrible it is to be broken up with etc. It's one of the reasons I don't really like her lectures. I can't relate.

Outside of school I have no real accomplishments. I suppose I could try to do something beyond the scope of education but I'm not sure I'd be able to find anything that I'd consider worthwhile without having to risk my ego. Maybe I SHOULD sign up to try to write for a newspaper or publication at school or perhaps I should apply to work as a research assistant but I'm really not so sure how satisfying it would be.

I don't know. I would really like to get out of school with a degree that says more than that I merely survived it. I want to be told that I prospered. Call it shallow or short sighted but it's true.

Anyway I'm not particularly depressed, more restless and annoyed and stressed out. It doesn't help matters any that food has turned from a great pleasure into a chore. I put off meals more and more these days as the foods start to get monotonous and the novelty and pride slip away. That's not to say I will quit the diet, I am commited, but rather that I am starting to feel somewhat deprived of what used to be my main sensual pleasure. Even more reason to invest in academics. Oh well, we'll see what happens. I'll work hard to do well in this last psych class and cross my fingers about honors. Maybe it's just a sign that psych wasn't for me and I should do poli sci or law or even literature. Maybe it's just the way the cookie crumbles.

I don't know. I should get to work on my Justice paper though. Today is a bit of a lull since it's not due till friday but it's a ten pager so I shouldn't try to crank it out in one night. Fortunatly I have no lit-hum tomorrow so I'll make use of the extra time to do a decent job.

Or so I hope.

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