Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Random thoughts

In defense of elitism just lost some major points with me. It's one thing to write an elitist book that has ideas I don't agree with. That I can accept. It's another to write things like "It is in almost everyone's venal interest to make things look better than they are. In truth, of course, they are worse" Things are worse than they are? It should read "In truth, of course, things are worse than they look" It wouldn't be GOOD rhetoric but at least it wouldn't be obviously false. Oh well I should be reading To The Lighthouse anyway.

I want someone to explain to me how I can eat on diet, exercise, drink plenty of water, and still gain 3 pounds in one day. Maybe I'm getting sick and bloating or something because unless you include fluids I did not take in 3 pounds of matter yesterday. And I was already fully hydrated.

It's funny but in a way dieting has made me feel fatter and more worthless. I've lost weight but not enough and I can't seem to get rid of it fast enough. I felt comfortable before, despite being fat, but now I feel disgusting and slow. Not to mention that my self esteem takes a dive every time I step on that scale and it doesn't tell me what I want to hear. I worry that this diet won't be enough...that I'll have to go FURTHER into denial. I Fret that my weight will level off and it will take years to get rid of the rest of it.

My mother thinks she has breast cancer. They found something in her mamogram. I don't think it's cancer (She's had health scares before that were nothing) but it's just adding to my stress.

I've decided that I really don't like this book. Have to read it, but don't like it.

Hunger is something that you DO get used to.

Stress really is not.

Adam still hasn't sent in the data sets or responded to my email. I hope he's not dropping the ball.

I ate 8 extra grams of carbohydrates today and tried to work it off with half an hour of high intensity on the bike. Maybe I can turn into an exercise Bulemic. Probably not but I could think of worse things that might happen.

Ugh. Sometimes I want to toss it all and just give up and get drunk or high or whatever. But then I just think of my father and the strength I draw from remembering what that kind of support was like and I straighten my head out. Even 8 years in the grave he's still my anchor to sanity.

I need to stop fucking around and get back to my book.
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